she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
