the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
