sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize