I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
