my mouth tastes like poor choices
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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