hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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