there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
