if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
