i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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