Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
