I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize