I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
