listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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