turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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