I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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