ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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