If i come over, it means nothing
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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