Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
