"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
