Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
