I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize