I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
