I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
