My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
