I just pynch a tree in the face
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
