the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
