Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
