just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
