Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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