A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
