your parents love me but you hate me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
