Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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