goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
