Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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