How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
