in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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