I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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