Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
