i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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