I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
