shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
