i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
