Cold hands, warm shart.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
