Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
