I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
