I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
