I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
