I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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