wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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