So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
