yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
