Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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