My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
