I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
