I'm gonna have a badass scar
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
